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Category: Observations

7 cures for the common connector

Everyone is a connector.

You may think you’re not, but you are. We’re all members of tribes, we join groups we’re interested in, we gravitate towards people who are familiar. We’re social creatures.

Just because “Connector” isn’t listed on your resume doesn’t mean you’re lacking these skills. I see connectors in teachers, school counselors, grocery store clerks, fitness leaders, sales executives, jewelry designers, nurses, customer service representatives. Pause for a moment to think of the individuals you connect and have connected in your world. Probably more than you realize.

That’s not to say it’s always easy. Speaking with other connectors, folks whose livelihoods depend on introductions and relationships, I’ve identified struggles most every connector has experienced (myself included).

Whether you identify as a connector, hope to become more of one, or are just looking to get out of your shell, I hope these cures help you become more effective within your social circles.

Cure #1: What’s business, what’s personal, and where to draw the line.

I’ve heard many different views on this. Two extremes: transparent authenticity (revealing everything to everyone with little-to-no filter) and establishing a crisp line between business and personal matters (removing all personal details from professional transactions).

With my own clinical training, I come from a background separating personal details from professional work. I’ve had to recalibrate in order to feel more comfortable sharing personal details in professional settings; however, I do think it is important to establish a difference between “private” and “personal,” and I have seen the value of honest professionalism. Finding the line that works for you makes your style your art.

Cure #2: Not having enough time to give everyone the attention they deserve.

Concentrate on thoughtfulness over quantity. It is impossible to be everything to everybody. Simply trying will frustrate and hinder your relationships with others. Instead, focus on what you can do and identify the boundaries that feel empowering to you.

Clearly explain what you are capable of providing and commit to giving that your all. By setting expectations with those in your networks, you’ll minimize potential for disappointment and confusion. You want mutual understanding and respect to provide the foundation for your relationships, not mixed signals.

Cure #3: You feel insecure — anything but confident — and you’re afraid to let it show.

It’s OK. I’m a big fan of showing up and expressing your humanity. Your “realness” is what makes you you.

Those moments of weakness and vulnerability open doors to connect with others on a deeper level. Yes, there’s a balance between over-sharing and approachability, and it’s different for everyone (see Cure #1). Again, draw your line and confidently own it.

Cure #4: Exhaustion. Endless parties, socializing, conferences, dinner dates, coffee hours, meetings, calls…

You must, must create time to feed your soul. You cannot be effective if you are tired and rundown. Schedule hours on your calendar to be alone. Literally. Block hours throughout your week and invite yourself to time away from emails, gadgets, devices, and obligations. Do things that refuel and energize you: go to yoga, walk outside, write with no specific goal. I like to think you are able to best give to others when your own glass is full.

Cure #5: Remembering names.

This is a biggie and one I struggle with. I’m a visual learner who retains information by doing, so hearing a name once does nothing for me. I’ve found the following to be helpful:

  • Relax during introductions. Stop stressing and focus on the conversation at hand.
  • Admire interesting details. This will help you be present and in the moment.
  • Link story to name. You can also try pairing someone’s first name with an object in the room (Brooklyn-made table Tim, champagne flute Chelsea, spicy Doritos Sarah, Malbec Marvin).
  • Visualize writing the person’s name in a chunky font.

Cure #6: Introductions you don’t quite understand.

People mean well. When you’re seen as someone who connects others, you’re going to receive many, many, many introductions. Sometimes they don’t always make sense — especially in moments of high work volume and pressing deadlines. Graciously thank the person for the introduction and kindly ask them to check in with you before making future recommendations. It’s helpful to have a specific need to relay so the right person can be connected to you. Explicit details are much easier to recall than generic requests (See Cure #5).

Cure #7: Lack of true connection; loneliness.

Some of the most well-connected people are also the most lonely. Having a thick Rolodex means less time with specific individuals, so it’s up to you to parcel your energy with concentrated effort.

Prioritize your personal relationships, show appreciation for your loved ones, and cherish childhood friendships. When you’re with someone, be with them. Turn off the phone and bask in those moments in which your full attention is directed to the conversation at hand. Be willing to expose yourself through open communication, honesty, and fears and faults. You’ll feel closer, more connected, and more giving to those in your communities.

Improving the lives of others often means connecting one resource to another. It might be introducing your neighbor to your plumber, connecting a client needing financial advise, passing along a job listing, exchanging numbers for friends falling in love. We’re filling an ask or searching for the right person to provide the best answer. Our worlds become that much more rich when we add value, and connecting two individuals is an easy way to do that.

For additional discussion on this topic, check out:

Lane’s post on The Curse of the Connector. Sherry’s TED talk “Connected, but alone?” and her NY Times Op-Ed The Flight from Conversation. Robert Kaplan on building strong relationships with principles from his book What You’re Really Meant To Do. Send me a tweet or write me a note with your thoughts.

Creating opportunities

Today I have the good fortune of finding myself in the heart of New York City, surrounded by folks who are making their biggest dreams happen. I’m looking at a room of individuals who refuse to accept complacency, who want to embrace the revolutionary times we’re living in.
These people are risk-takers, entrepreneurs, storytellers, researchers, bosses, and creative weavers. They are here because they want to understand where their biggest opportunities are, and they want to figure out what to do about them.
Seth Godin is leading the charge. And he’s encouraging us to pick ourselves and make a dent in the connection economy.
It’s no accident I’m here.
There’s something to be said for making decisions that allow you to place yourself in environments that support your work and your dreams, for seeking out others who encourage you to keep going, and for putting yourself in the game.
It takes concentrated effort, some sacrifice, and the ability to imagine — to ask yourself what if, to wander away from the beaten path, to dare yourself to explore, and to schedule time into your days to chase opportunity.
It is absolutely possible. And you must.
The best moments rarely come to you. They are the result of channeled energy, thought, patience, and effort.
Please, please look to create the opportunities you want.
Possibility surrounds you. Make the choice to embrace it.

Success + generosity = no accident

Observation #1: The most successful people I know are also the most generous.

  • Leaders who give their time and of themselves endear those around them, building trust and respect among teams.
  • “Scarcity mentality” repels and detracts from passion, energy, and fulfillment.
  • Altruism and great financial success are not mutually exclusive.

Observation #2: Some of the best connections arise from places of abundance and giving.

  • When you are focused on “the other,” conversations are more meaningful, authentic energy is exchanged, better solutions can be brainstormed.
  • Folks can sense greed and selfishness; it is not attractive.

Observation #3: By giving to others, you can more clearly identify what brings you joy.

Thanks to Pictomins for The Generosity Spiral!

  • True growth comes from helping others, encouraging someone’s dreams, furthering their project.
  • Helping may be learned as a practiced skill but can emerge as a core element of your being.
  • Most artists, creators, and makers are givers — they share physically, mentally, and emotionally of themselves. Dedicated to their craft, they put their art into the world expecting little (if anything) in return. The emphasis is on the work, the sharing, and not necessarily the outcome.
  • Meaningful dreams evolve from a special sauce of individual enthusiasm, passion, sweat — and the generosity of others.

Tweet at me. I’d love to hear your thoughts on generosity and success.

This post was inspired by this week’s #cxchat Q3: How has generosity helped build your network? You can read a summary of responses here or join our next #cxchat Monday (6/17) at 2pm ET.

Do you have what you want?

True or false:

  1. Fairy tales are real.
  2. Adventure isn’t just for vacation.
  3. Your work can be meaningful.
  4. You have the ability to create more stability and security than with any employer.

Throughout my work with industry leaders, entrepreneurs, small business owners, and 1:1 clients, I’ve pinpointed three key areas that prevent belief in the above:

  • Resentment
  • Lack of focus
  • Stagnation (disguised fear)

As a result, I’ve developed a methodology to help people push beyond perceived limits and get what they really desire. It’s based on the following principles:

Get honest

Easier for some people than others… make the time and find someplace quiet to sit down and get real with yourself. You’ll need to make a commitment to be honest about what it is you want, how you spend your time, who your closest relationships are, what kind of environments nourish your soul. Being able to identify crucial aspects of your personality, character, likes, dislikes, and leadership preferences (do you listen, lead, or follow?) can help you with the next step.

Set goals

The goals you set for yourself provide the framework for your energy and efforts. Without specific goals, you won’t be as effective; your intentions and actions less efficient. The trick is to identify goals that are meaningful and relevant for you (sometimes folks confuse another person’s expectations and preferences with their own).

Once you’ve labeled what you want and have set both long and short-term goals accordingly, you’ll be able to do your best work. Get what you want by working backwards is a post that can help you create a plan that will crush obstacles and conquer blocks (both internal and external) that might stop you in your tracks. Your fears have a more difficult time hiding when you have concrete goals in mind and on paper.

Ship

The final stage, and perhaps the most important. Perfectionism, commitment issues, laziness, self hatred — these kinds of things show up here. Guess what? They’re mostly about fear. By forcing yourself to put your work into the world, you’ll learn that products don’t need to be perfect to be finished. You may even realize that your biggest obstacle in getting things done is…you. Ship, and show fear who is boss.

I’ve been using a tailored version of this formula with a number of clients and have watched incredible transformations take place. If you’re interested in learning more and seeing whether our work together might help you, feel free to drop me a note. I’d love to hear what’s working (and what isn’t) for you.

The most valuable unit

When finalizing a product, shipping art, or editing work, it’s easy to get lost in details. Scraping through drafts and searching for the finish, time passes without recognition. We forgo ourselves and others in order to see completion.

Athletes call it The Zone. A moment when you and performance mix with sacrifice and joy and little else matters. Vision becomes narrow, your focus steadfast and locked onto the end result. All the rest, from relationships to household duties, fades into periphery.

Consider your must trusted communities. Most likely, you’ve endured together, you’ve grown together, or you’ve experienced hard work together. Challenging times weave lasting bonds, and nuances become sacred. We separates us from them.

Why, then, do we race towards finish lines alone? Some of the greatest benefits of creation’s final stages — the connections, the struggle, the lasting memories — fall victim to schedules, timelines, preoccupation, and restricted sight.

We’ve entered a new economy. One in which people have become the most valuable unit. Do you create time in your day to connect with those around you? What will support you when you need it most: your work or the relationships you’ve made along the way?

The Project Exponential community continues to grow. We’re building stronger connections and finding even more ways to help you do your best work. If you missed this morning’s newsletter, see what we’re up to here.