bloglovinBloglovin iconCombined ShapeCreated with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. rssRSS iconsoundcloudSoundCloud iconFill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch.

Tag: perspective

The psychology of wanting what you can’t have

There’s something out of reach, and your mind is focused on it like a laser. A job, a relationship, a sum of money, a status. Whatever it is, it is unavailable, and you know it. But that doesn’t stop you from dreaming about it.

Your brain has tricked you into thinking this is where the rewards are. A tasty cocktail of novelty, desire, delayed gratification, and dopamine has you convinced this is what will make you happy, this will bring peace and prosperity and satisfaction. You compare yourself to those who DO have, and you’ll never measure up.

This is easy.

You’re spending your energy and time on the unattainable. Your yearning is conveniently preventing you from focusing your attention on what you do have. While you fantasize about what you can’t have, the problems you can solve, the circumstances you can change, the talents you do possess sit idle on the sidelines.

Catch yourself. Catch yourself longing and redirect your thoughts to what is in the realm of possibility. Channel your energy towards places you can affect.

I have a hunch you’ll find more happiness there.

5 steps to new job opportunities

Looking for a job?
You’ve made your first mistake. As cliché as it sounds, you won’t find it if you’re looking for it. Instead, make moves to create the position of your dreams (a place you feel valued and valuable, projects you’re interested in, opportunities that benefit from your talents, people you admire).
1. Skip small talk and have real conversations.
Schedule twenty-minute informational calls (or coffees) with people you respect to learn more about their work. Ask about the good, bad, and ugly bits of their industry. Then, find parallel roles in different fields and ask those individuals how they tackle similar challenges. Meaningful conversations build meaningful relationships.
And say thank you. You never know when your paths may cross. I’ve met strangers in Shanghai I’ve introduced to entrepreneurs in California. Your rolodex is one of your most prized commodities.
2. Know thyself.
What’s your anchor? You need something grounding you, a general direction you’re heading. It doesn’t need to be entirely specific, but you need a fencepost to harness your efforts (think of a laser beam vs. diffused light; concentrated anything is stronger and more effective).
Find a quiet place to relax with a cup of coffee and honestly assess what makes you miserable, what you’re good at, what you’d like to be doing, and what you can’t live without. Reserve an afternoon — or a week — to pay close attention to moments your heart flutters. Is it anxiety, excitement, or both?
3. Are you hunting or fishing?
You can look for freelance work or you can start writing articles about topics you’re passionate about. You can ask for job openings or you can volunteer a few hours of pro-bono consulting and evaluate a company’s needs. You can ask for references or you can send role models invitations to lectures that pertain to their projects.
By placing yourself in environments that highlight your strengths, you will attract opportunities and connections that are right for you. Just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean you can’t start cultivating something great.
4. Walk with confidence. 
Unemployment doesn’t mean you’re less of a person. When you’re feeling down and out, it shows. Pay attention to your posture and the way you walk. If you’ve completed Steps 1-3, do so confidently, with your head high.
You have skills, you have talents; flaunt them. Your childhood, your struggles, your unique lessons and experiences all contribute to what makes you uniquely valuable. Make a list of your areas of expertise and fold it into your wallet if you’re needing an extra boost. 
5. Open windows and doors and screens and welcome everyone over for tea.
If you can reframe “unemployment” as an opportunity, you’re on your way to gold. Imagine yourself as a traveler, an adventurer. There will be ups and downs, exhilaration and disappointment. Open up to all of it. It’s too easy to focus on one thing and dwell; you’ll think yourself into a frenzy, or worse yet, paralyze yourself from action. Force your anxieties to adopt a wider perspective and welcome whatever comes your way, regardless of form. If you allow it, your journey may surprise you.

The best moments of my life began with a plane

I started writing a post titled “The Best Moments of My Life Began With Getting on a Plane.”
I was thinking about my first memory of travel, the second I knew I had a lifelong relationship with foreign places. I was a young girl visiting my father’s family in Holland, and I was standing in the produce section of a local market with my aunt. The vivid green of the vegetables and the neat rows of roots picked from the ground were like nothing I had seen in the aisles of King Soopers in Longmont, Colorado. I couldn’t understand a word of what anyone was saying, and a poppy Dutch radio station competed for my attention. I was enthralled. Even as I stepped outside, the light seemed to cast vibrant shadows on the sidewalk.
A summer volunteering at a Thai orphanage. The kids’ humble generosity sends me home with a profound appreciation of resources and privilege. A year as a psychology student in New Zealand. Thrust into an entirely new education system and a beautiful landscape to explore, I learn more about responsibility and individuality as I turn 20 in the Southern Hemisphere. A research grant affording me the opportunity to backpack Europe. An ongoing affair with Manhattan — continually discovering more about myself and people dear to me. And, of course, Nepal.
Looking closely, these experiences aren’t about an aircraft. Their significance comes from a reunion with mystery and uncertainty. Seeing the universe with fresh eyes. It isn’t about a place. It’s about confidence and connection with strangers; empathy and compassion and duty as a world citizen.
You don’t need to buy a ticket to experience something amazing. You can step towards the unknown and take risks to connect with strangers in your world.

Inconvenience yourself.

New Yorkers and scheduling is borderline ridiculous. I spend more time than I care to admit orchestrating calendars, slotting calls, finding common days for in-person meetings. While there are plenty of automated tools to streamline this process, I’ve found that each person’s needs and requests are very different, and the act of scheduling itself can reveal underlying issues. Each day I’m forced to reassess my priorities and make decisions accordingly.

Yet with all of this scheduling and compartmentalizing, is there space for magic?

We spend so much time making sure things go according to plan. If something falls through the cracks, it’s a fault in the system — our system. The slightest tip of the scale can throw off an entire day, delaying planned meetings and cramping scheduled “me” time. Minor inconveniences (a late train, a forgotten document) suddenly become huge problems.

Ever pause to evaluate whether your intense regimen is adding to your anxiety rather than helping? Consider your definition of inconvenience and flirt with alternatives.

What would happen if you intentionally take the later train, let someone step in front of you, choose the slowest checkout line?

 

I stopped trying.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this, as it is completely counterintuitive to me.

The moment I stopped trying and quit everything is when things became clear.

I’m not saying I don’t have challenges and that life is always easy, but my day-to-day isn’t filled with as much strife. There’s less struggle as I move about the world.

I think of how difficult momentum seemed in the past. Once I landed back into the grooves of authenticity, people began to take notice. It’s then that I raised money for a few scholarships, attracted over 30k views on Medium, and found myself speaking on HuffPost (look at 13:30).

I’m not doing anything drastically different. I’m simply living my life by letting passion lead the way.

I’m wondering if this principle has worked for you, too.

What if WORKING HARD didn’t equal SUCCESS? What if you stepped out of the car, allowed your excitement to take the wheel, and put frustration, anxiety, and white-knuckle-decision-making in the backseat? What if by relaxing, you allowed your “best self” to emerge?

If you’re having to work really hard to make something right, I’m wondering if it’s right in the first place.

Tweet me. I want to hear what you think.

Stop trying to find your purpose

We spend so much time searching.

The One, The Job, The House, The Car, The Experience, The Feeling, The Plan, The Salary, The Product, The Idea, The Connector, The Client, The Bargain, The Title, The Brand…

We’re looking for answers, assuming that once we find That Thing, the result we want will magically appear (happiness, success, love, fortune, fame, ease, contentment).

What if you stopped looking. Stay with me for a moment.

In Western Society, we’re taught that “A” action yields “B” outcome. So if I input X, Y, Z,  ___ should follow, right? (You fill in the blank.)

What if you channeled all of that energy you’re investing into finding That Thing towards your passion, instead? What if your excitement became the compass for your decision-making?

Chances are “your purpose” will appear when you’re not looking; not necessarily when you least expect it — because you’ll already be following your heart’s desires and will be so invested in your life and your work and giving to others that you’ll forget you were looking in the first place. Same goes for love.

Think of it less as a a fixed feeling or pre-defined experience and more as a rolling, morphing adventure.