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Tag: communication

“You’re not married?”

“Not married! You don’t want kids?” I often receive questions regarding my relationship status. My answer, it seems, disappoints/confuses many, as if some defect on my part has rendered me less valuable or ambitious.

A little under three years ago, I came to a developing country, alone, where I have volunteered as a social worker and teacher. I established an education center, built a solar grid and fundraised to bring clothes, scholarships and learning adventures to friends in need. Before arriving in Nepal, I qualified for Boston the first time I ran the NYC Marathon. I counsel students, entrepreneurs and notable personalities. I’ve traveled to over twenty countries, finished my Master’s at Columbia University, completed an original research project and graduated with honors from CU Boulder. I have started pro-social groups for adolescent delinquents and have a baby named after me. I’ve organized events that have brought people together from different disciplines and have maintained a weekly blog since 2012. My writing has been published in journals and online. I’ve listened to stories of immigrants and middle class families struggling to pay bills. I’m working on a book. Yet the question isn’t about what I’ve done or plan to do, it’s who and when I will marry.

This is a question I receive in all parts of the world, developed and less so. My single male friends, also in their 30s, seem to evade this inquiry. Instead, they are asked other success indicators: work, house, salary, dog. Isn’t it time we see each other for who we are instead of expectations we carry?

Isn’t it time to have conversations based upon the individual, without of assumptions of race or age or gender or income? Isn’t it time we listen for what drives another’s actions to hear what fuels their beliefs, their convictions, their dreams?

If we could listen more and judge less, our world would move closer towards that tolerant, respectful place we all deserve.

“What is your greatest accomplishment?” serves a much better bridge for meaningful conversation.

Can questions foster closeness?

I believe they do.

This is why all of Project Exponential’s signature dinners use questions to bring attendees together.

It’s scary to reveal parts of ourselves to others, but in order to nuture relationships and develop closeness in both personal and professional networks, we must establish rapport, build trust and pave the way for future communication.

The questions listed in a recent NY Times article parallel some of the questions our attendees face at monthly dinners. The article groups queries in levels of vulnerability, with the first set serving up light appetizers (“When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”) and leading up to the heavy fourth course (“If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”).

Print out the list and ask your partner questions over tonight’s dinner. Let me know how it goes.

Build reputation, establish trust

The fastest way to build reputation and trust with the audiences you care about: treat everyone the same.

Granting exceptions to certain people makes your work difficult, and you have to remember who you promised what. Trust is the only way you can make solutions that matter and develop reliable products.

Give the same respect, the same quality of time, the same work effort, the same level of commitment to each one of your clients. What you do and what you say must align in order for any of it to count.

Top 10 blog posts

Before I list the Top 10 most popular posts I’ve written, I want to acknowledge something big: Project Exponential is coming up on FOUR YEARS of existence, and I can hardly believe it.

I remember that first dinner as if it happened last month. I had to talk myself into calling friends and a few famous people I didn’t know all that well and ask them to join me for something new, an experiment of sorts. I was a nervous wreck in the days leading up to that initial event, second-guessing my planned ice-breakers and seating arrangement. At the end of the night I was so worked up, I couldn’t let myself admit a grand success had just taken place.

Countless dinners later, I continue to receive emails thanking me for thoughtfully creating these kinds of dinners: invaluable introductions; new friends, new ideas; old friends, old ideas; surprising conversations; delight. It’s all come together beautifully, and I couldn’t be more grateful to those who have participated and referred clients seeking meaningful connection.

Top 10 posts:
10. I stopped trying.
9. Figure out what you want to learn and go do it.
8. Stop trying to find your purpose
7. 7 sins of crowdfunding
6. The people in your life will make or break you.
5. 10 questions to ask at a dinner party (instead of “What do you do?”)
4. What brings people together?
3. A coffee riddle
2. 5 rules of hustling
1. 12 questions to turn small talk into real talk 

Thank you for your support, your daring, your ambition, and thanks for coming along this journey with me. Becoming an entrepreneur is not easy, and there are no roadmaps for the many winding, twisting roads you find yourself on. If you have a budding entrepreneur in your life, send them a note to keep going (or share one of these blog posts); if you’re thinking about getting started yourself, GO.

Depression, mood and what you can do

Last year, around 15.7 million adults experienced at least one major depressive episode; this is about 6.7% of the American population. Anyone who has been there knows once you’re in, you’re in. A dark, downward spiral takes over and it’s difficult to climb out. Depression and anxiety paralyzes even perceptive, bright minds and can kill creative endeavors.

In these moments, it feels almost impossible to think about any benefits or plus sides. Yet during these dips and lulls, there are strategies to be learned and tools to pick up to help fight these dark monsters when and if they return.

I’m listing what has helped me. It’s a long road, and I’m grateful for the caring coaches and counselors and friends and mentors who have helped along the way. I hope some of these tips can also help a few of my friends, no matter where you are in the world or what you’re dealing with. Please know you’re not alone.

Number 1: Return to basics

During periods of depression, basic human needs tend to get out of whack. Some people sleep all day while others can’t sleep at all. It’s important to try to establish a regular schedule and routine. Aim for 7-9 hours each night and try to be awake when the sun is out. Even if you’re tempted to take naps, get outside and soak in some rays, they’re good for you and carry Vitamin D.

Try to eliminate or cut down stimulants. Coffee, sugar, drugs and alcohol give you a temporary high and make you feel good for a moment, but when the effect wears off, you’re left feeling even more drained and tired than before.

From my own experiences working with and counseling clients, I’ve noticed that people who suffer from depression tend to be quite sensitive: emotionally and physically. Take care of yourself from the inside out.

Number 2. What are you eating?

Choose to eat healthfully whenever and wherever you can. Whole foods are unprocessed and contain more vitamins and minerals that help boost moods. Again, sweets and alcohol can be tempting for a temporary high, but your blood sugar levels will crash and can push you further downwards.

Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can make everything worse, so put the junk food away and reach for greens, veggies and whole grains. (Omega-3s have been shown to fight depression.)

Number 3. Get moving

Exercise revs up endorphins, helping you feel better as you move. Walking, stretching, going to the gym — it doesn’t matter, as long as it works for you. Be good to your “Earth Suit.”

Number 4. Look up (and around)

Take a moment to think about the triggers that feed your depression and create anxiety.

Facebook? Surfing the net? Watching episode upon episode of TV shows? Staying in the house all day? Talking about certain people? Eating certain meals? Limit these energy suckers and replace them with creative activities:

  • go for a walk
  • volunteer
  • dig around in the garden
  • visit a local bookstore

Make a list of what makes you feel GOOD. These don’t have to be elaborate, expensive activities. Things like:

  • light a candle
  • listen to music
  • visit the farmer’s market
  • call a friend
  • take a class
  • read a book

are easy, cheap and instant mood boosters.

Number 5. Are you independent?

Many people who struggle with depression are powerhouses. They’re capable, strong and fearless. But being too much alone can make depression worse.

Make yourself get out and connect with others. You don’t necessarily have to interact with anybody, just be around people. Go to a place where you can observe life happening: the library, the park, a coffee shop. Step out of your home, away from your thoughts and into the company of others.

Number 6. Connect

Don’t suffer alone, reach out. Message or call people you like: your best friend since high school, that crazy aunt, your neighbor who comes over with hot soup. It feels good to help others, so let your friends and people who care about you help you. You’re not selfish or weak for asking for help.

Also consider your daily habits and lifestyle. Are they isolating you or helping you build a supportive community?

Please remember, reach out. Contact a therapist, join a group, don’t be alone. You’re not.

Number 7. Your thoughts will still be there.

So take a break.

Getting out of your head and away from yourself can be the best way to gain perspective. To do this, direct your attention outwards. Distract yourself if necessary and meditate on expansion instead of restriction. Try not to focus on the depression. Step away and start focusing on small steps you can take RIGHT NOW, in this moment, to feel better.

Another alternative is to volunteer. When you’re giving your time and energy to a positive cause, you’re getting a vacation from your mind. Contributing to something bigger than your own problems and yourself moves your energy and focus away from yourself and your thoughts and onto someone/something else.

Your thoughts will still be there. You can always return, possibly with a different perspective.

Things will be OK. It can get better, and it will. Just take a break.

Shortcuts

I’ve worked with monks, criminals, CEOs and students, and they all look for shortcuts. This is why hacks are popular and fitness gurus sell health in pill form and “5-minute exercises.” Numbered blog posts receive more web traffic than developed stories because we want information fast. We don’t have time to sift through inconsequential paragraphs; tell me what I need to know and tell it to me now.

This, to me, is human. We want the quickest, most direct path. We want to learn without putting in time. We want money to come without stress and long hours. We want recognition right after a product launches, and we want to know our destiny instead of watching it slowly unfurl.

While shortcuts help us save time and do work more efficiently, there’s much to be gained from slow, calculated movement.