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Tag: relationships

The art of community

Community doesn’t just happen. It takes time and effort and care.
Amidst routine and packed schedules, relationships deserve a sacred setting. You can’t deny the electricity that encompasses a group breaking bread. It’s an act that has held magic and mystery for centuries.
Whether the dining table, the running track, the book club, or the coffee group, find your place for sharing and storytelling. The more authentic you can be, the more comfortable your cohort will feel.
Build a bedrock for meaningful conversation and lasting relationships, a canvas for discussion and deliberation. Look to encourage that spark, that contagious flame that sets ideas ablaze. Serendipity sometimes needs a little push.
Turn connection into art.
 

What connects us

Understanding that first and foremost, the life you want to create for yourself, the type of person you want to become, the parts of yourself you’re most excited to develop will attract individuals who will help you get there.

Realizing that true, authentic connection is expansive. The right relationship discovered at the right time can help you soar, find freedom, create, and see a limitless future.

Recognizing that relationships are catalysts for growth and independence — for supporting both reckless abandon and providing the foundation to carry the wisdom that comes from experience, failure, frustration, pain.

Acknowledging that your highest highs and lowest lows are probably different than mine; the value lies in sharing and discovering what these experiences were like for each of us.

Accepting that at your very worst, you are someone’s pride and joy. Knowing this helps reveal the very best parts of you.

That through the fog of confusion and longing, we can help each other find shared laughter and bouts of success, punctuated with gratitude and contentment along the way.

That our mutual appreciation for life — the ups and downs, the hard lessons and the easy ones — may or may not happen at the same time. Your up might be my down, but no matter, when we find ourselves on the same plane, we can share the lessons we learned and the tricks we used to get us through.

That the whole point is to create tribes, to build and create and be generous — to others and to ourselves.

Embracing that this is all really about compassion, about elevating each other and pushing one another to succeed by sharing our struggles and our wins.

We collaborate because our ideas become greater. Like a brilliant prism, the unique perspectives we each offer leads to undiscovered treasure.

It’s our gift to find it.

prism

Rules for Adventurous Living

“You’re so lucky! I want your life!”
If you’ve heard this, you probably know luck has very little to do with it.
If you haven’t, you, too, can live the life that gets people asking, “How do you do it?” by following these tips for living adventurously:

Don’t: Be afraid of looking like a fool.

The “foolish” moments are the stories you’ll share later on. You won’t always have the answers, and on some days, you’ll feel like you are grasping at straws. This is how you grow. When you expose your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, you’ll place yourself in situations and in relationships that will stretch your understanding of the world and test your mettle. And when you meet people who are living the life, don’t be afraid to ask them: “How are you doing it?”

Don’t: Shy away from mistakes.

Screwing up means you’re learning, and if you’re worried about making a mess, you’re going to lead a very boring existence. The grit and the dirt and the flailing around is what gives life texture. Mistakes can be our biggest teachers. If you’re not making any, you’re probably not stretching yourself. Adventure comes from trying, failing, getting back up, and trying again.

Do: Lean on the help of others.

I used to be unreasonably afraid of asking for help. Asking for something meant I was not capable of providing for myself or I miscalculated something in someway. Wrong. Deeper relationships can develop once you let go of your ego. By allowing someone else to help you, you’ll be given a glimpse into their world as you navigate your own. People want to help, but you must first give them permission to do so.

Do: Appreciate the little things.

Cherish wins, no matter how small. Take time to savor each moment. Step away from work, gadgets and screens and invest hours giving to others or spending time with your family. Sometimes you need an afternoon to do nothing — send a few greeting cards and go for a walk. The most exciting stories can emerge from everyday activities. Seeing routine with fresh eyes can make the world of difference.

Don’t: Always shoot from the hip.

While serendipity can be magical, strategic moves are necessary. Too much risk can cause unstable footing, and clear vision vision can help minimize losses while informing calculated choices. Identify your top priorities and work backwards to move closer to your personal finish line.

Do: Think…but don’t think too much.

Believe it or not, you can get in your own way. Over-thinking can be counterproductive and distract you from hidden gems. If you try to plan each and every move, you’ll rob yourself from the mystery and delight of unexpected surprise. Hand over the keys and let your heart lead the way. Once your intuition grabs the wheel, your destination might pleasantly surprise you.

Don’t: Be too busy for kindness. Ever.

This cannot be overstated. We are all in this together. Why not make the folks around you shine just a little brighter while you’re at it? Look for ways to infuse kindness into your day-to-day. Surprise a loved one with a note, pack lunch for a neighbor, host a dinner party for your closest friends.

Do: Say thank you.

What goes around comes around. A simple “thank you” can open more doors than you could possibly imagine. Thoughtful reflection reminds you where you’ve come from and where you’re going, and gratitude works both ways. You need to express it as much as the people around you need to hear it.

29 thoughts from a 29-year-old

  1. Decide to get it done. Commit. Go.
  2. Goals will keep you on track.
  3. Fears take on tricky disguises. Call them out or enlist the help of someone who can.
  4. Helping others is one of the best things you can do with your time.
  5. You will learn more traveling than sitting in a classroom.
  6. Relationships are containers for growth.
  7. Be kind.
  8. Laugh more.
  9. It’s OK to make mistakes.
  10. It’s OK to admit you’re wrong.
  11. It’s OK to say no.
  12. Sometimes you don’t know what you want. Do what you enjoy, instead.
  13. Metabolism can be cruel; eat healthy, get sleep, be good to yourself.
  14. Take more risks.
  15. If it excites you, do it.
  16. No one else will know your value until you do.
  17. You don’t need permission to act. Stop waiting to be told.
  18. Finished is better than half started.
  19. Give others permission to recognize your worth.
  20. Stop waiting for perfect. “Good enough” is just fine. Perfect doesn’t exist.
  21. Nothing is permanent.
  22. No decision is irreversible.
  23. It’s never “too late.”
  24. People can change.
  25. Love is what happens after the butterflies fade.
  26. Home is a place you create for yourself.
  27. Get outside daily.
  28. Dream big. Great, now dream bigger.
  29. Hold nothing back.

7 cures for the common connector

Everyone is a connector.

You may think you’re not, but you are. We’re all members of tribes, we join groups we’re interested in, we gravitate towards people who are familiar. We’re social creatures.

Just because “Connector” isn’t listed on your resume doesn’t mean you’re lacking these skills. I see connectors in teachers, school counselors, grocery store clerks, fitness leaders, sales executives, jewelry designers, nurses, customer service representatives. Pause for a moment to think of the individuals you connect and have connected in your world. Probably more than you realize.

That’s not to say it’s always easy. Speaking with other connectors, folks whose livelihoods depend on introductions and relationships, I’ve identified struggles most every connector has experienced (myself included).

Whether you identify as a connector, hope to become more of one, or are just looking to get out of your shell, I hope these cures help you become more effective within your social circles.

Cure #1: What’s business, what’s personal, and where to draw the line.

I’ve heard many different views on this. Two extremes: transparent authenticity (revealing everything to everyone with little-to-no filter) and establishing a crisp line between business and personal matters (removing all personal details from professional transactions).

With my own clinical training, I come from a background separating personal details from professional work. I’ve had to recalibrate in order to feel more comfortable sharing personal details in professional settings; however, I do think it is important to establish a difference between “private” and “personal,” and I have seen the value of honest professionalism. Finding the line that works for you makes your style your art.

Cure #2: Not having enough time to give everyone the attention they deserve.

Concentrate on thoughtfulness over quantity. It is impossible to be everything to everybody. Simply trying will frustrate and hinder your relationships with others. Instead, focus on what you can do and identify the boundaries that feel empowering to you.

Clearly explain what you are capable of providing and commit to giving that your all. By setting expectations with those in your networks, you’ll minimize potential for disappointment and confusion. You want mutual understanding and respect to provide the foundation for your relationships, not mixed signals.

Cure #3: You feel insecure — anything but confident — and you’re afraid to let it show.

It’s OK. I’m a big fan of showing up and expressing your humanity. Your “realness” is what makes you you.

Those moments of weakness and vulnerability open doors to connect with others on a deeper level. Yes, there’s a balance between over-sharing and approachability, and it’s different for everyone (see Cure #1). Again, draw your line and confidently own it.

Cure #4: Exhaustion. Endless parties, socializing, conferences, dinner dates, coffee hours, meetings, calls…

You must, must create time to feed your soul. You cannot be effective if you are tired and rundown. Schedule hours on your calendar to be alone. Literally. Block hours throughout your week and invite yourself to time away from emails, gadgets, devices, and obligations. Do things that refuel and energize you: go to yoga, walk outside, write with no specific goal. I like to think you are able to best give to others when your own glass is full.

Cure #5: Remembering names.

This is a biggie and one I struggle with. I’m a visual learner who retains information by doing, so hearing a name once does nothing for me. I’ve found the following to be helpful:

  • Relax during introductions. Stop stressing and focus on the conversation at hand.
  • Admire interesting details. This will help you be present and in the moment.
  • Link story to name. You can also try pairing someone’s first name with an object in the room (Brooklyn-made table Tim, champagne flute Chelsea, spicy Doritos Sarah, Malbec Marvin).
  • Visualize writing the person’s name in a chunky font.

Cure #6: Introductions you don’t quite understand.

People mean well. When you’re seen as someone who connects others, you’re going to receive many, many, many introductions. Sometimes they don’t always make sense — especially in moments of high work volume and pressing deadlines. Graciously thank the person for the introduction and kindly ask them to check in with you before making future recommendations. It’s helpful to have a specific need to relay so the right person can be connected to you. Explicit details are much easier to recall than generic requests (See Cure #5).

Cure #7: Lack of true connection; loneliness.

Some of the most well-connected people are also the most lonely. Having a thick Rolodex means less time with specific individuals, so it’s up to you to parcel your energy with concentrated effort.

Prioritize your personal relationships, show appreciation for your loved ones, and cherish childhood friendships. When you’re with someone, be with them. Turn off the phone and bask in those moments in which your full attention is directed to the conversation at hand. Be willing to expose yourself through open communication, honesty, and fears and faults. You’ll feel closer, more connected, and more giving to those in your communities.

Improving the lives of others often means connecting one resource to another. It might be introducing your neighbor to your plumber, connecting a client needing financial advise, passing along a job listing, exchanging numbers for friends falling in love. We’re filling an ask or searching for the right person to provide the best answer. Our worlds become that much more rich when we add value, and connecting two individuals is an easy way to do that.

For additional discussion on this topic, check out:

Lane’s post on The Curse of the Connector. Sherry’s TED talk “Connected, but alone?” and her NY Times Op-Ed The Flight from Conversation. Robert Kaplan on building strong relationships with principles from his book What You’re Really Meant To Do. Send me a tweet or write me a note with your thoughts.

3 simple ways to bring serendipity into your life

Some of the best connections happen when you least expect it. Call it luck, fate or serendipity, there’s something magical about meeting the right person at the right time. The secret lies in getting out of your comfort zone and letting serendipity lead the way. 3 tips to get you started:

1. Force yourself to be social.

The moments you don’t feel like meeting new people… I swear, if you can get yourself out of the house, you’re going to have the time of your life. Chances are you will meet someone who will blow your mind. Think of it as Murphy’s Law for connection.

2. Haven’t been to the library since high school? Go now.

Place yourself in new environments and step outside of your typical routine. Go to a different coffee shop. Skip the gym and exercise in the park. STOP DOING THE SAME THINGS.

3. Throw caution to the wind.

Say yes. More often. Accept party invites. Accept any invite. Go to coffee dates, lunch meetings, conferences — just go. If you’re on the fence, say yes. Let go of your schedule and intentionally disrupt your routine. You will be rewarded.

Talk serendipity and more during today’s #cxchat (2pm EST) and read summaries from past chat events here.