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Tag: present moment

13 conversation starters to get past small talk

Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you want to connect with a stranger and aren’t sure what to say. Asking about the weather and work only goes so far when you find yourself at a dinner table with distant friends-of-friends. Or maybe you’re at a wedding reception and have exhausted the usual pleasantries. Memorize a few of these questions for the next time you’re wanting to move past small talk and learn more about the person next to you.

1. What would you do if you were late for a very important meeting?

2. What would you do if you didn’t have enough money to pay the bills?

3. If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?

4. If you had the power to alter a major historical event, what would it be?

5. Say someone asks a question you don’t want to answer. How do you respond?

6. Describe an interesting neighbor you’ve had.

7. Describe someone you respect and admire deeply.

8. Describe a place you’ll never forget.

9. Tell about a recent interview.

10. What’s one of your best childhood memories?

11. Have you ever lied to your parents, boss, or a teacher?

12. Have you ever been treated unfairly?

13. What is your opinion about fortune telling?

While you’re dancing

You’re trying to get the project finished, but for whatever reason, your goals aren’t being met. With deadlines looming, all the outcomes you had envisioned are falling short. Nothing is working. Square pegs, round holes. Everywhere. You’re dismally unhappy.

What would happen if you eased off the gas? Put forth a little less effort?

Unmet expectations can be a signal for you to divert your energy. If you’re experiencing continual let-downs and disappointments, it’s absolutely OK to step back and regroup. Is there another project where you can invest your time?

This isn’t giving up, and you’re not a failure. You’re working effectively, conserving your energy for the places pieces fall into place and where people appreciate your efforts.

The best things happen while you’re dancing.

Happy Holidays.

Shortcuts

I’ve worked with monks, criminals, CEOs and students, and they all look for shortcuts. This is why hacks are popular and fitness gurus sell health in pill form and “5-minute exercises.” Numbered blog posts receive more web traffic than developed stories because we want information fast. We don’t have time to sift through inconsequential paragraphs; tell me what I need to know and tell it to me now.

This, to me, is human. We want the quickest, most direct path. We want to learn without putting in time. We want money to come without stress and long hours. We want recognition right after a product launches, and we want to know our destiny instead of watching it slowly unfurl.

While shortcuts help us save time and do work more efficiently, there’s much to be gained from slow, calculated movement.

Search for meaning

The internet gives you many lives. You can write an article once, muster the courage to post it online, become disappointed when it falls flat and goes unshared, resolve to forget about it and write something else. Then one day, you wake up to an inbox of responses and questions as if this was a piece you posted yesterday.

This sometimes happens to me.

Lately, a few of my Medium posts have undergone rebirths, and I’ve found myself answering questions about the search for meaning and joy and life. “Should I go to a monastery?” “Do I need to volunteer in a different country to find myself?” “What advice can you give me to discover my passion?”

I don’t have any answers, really. I know that the answers we often want most are right in front of us. They don’t necessarily require a trip around the world, months spent in solitude, or someone else to show us the way. I wish I could tell you a perfect formula. I wish I had this formula myself three years ago when I first set out for Nepal.

But I think that’s my big secret. I stopped looking.

I was driving myself crazy with these exact same questions. I was browsing the self-help section for career changes, dog-eared my way through What Color Is Your Parachute, and still no answers. My journal was a messy scrawl of ink and tear, I mean, coffee stains when I got on that first plane to Kathmandu. I knew was I was hurting and raw and sick of feeling like crap. I wanted to feel good, both in the world and in my body and make a positive contribution somewhere. And this is how I found myself teaching English to a bunch of rowdy monks.

No, I had no idea I was going to start a Learning House. If you told me I’d spend the next three years of my life in Nepal, I would have laughed. But I did know that giving to others and empowering individuals through education brought me deep satisfaction. In this way, my focus shifted from myself and onto something positive. I stopped questioning and just did.

Meaning found me. I hope it finds you.

If you feel like giving up

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been at it: there’s a moment you feel like quitting, throwing in the towel, giving up. Seth Godin penned the journey “The Dip” and believes we too often quit the wrong things at the wrong time. Knowing the difference between staying put and moving on can help us find success both professionally and personally.

The truth is that everything new is always fun: relationships, jobs, projects, cars, clothes, music, movies, towns, school. You name it. Then, over time, it gets boring or hard and you find yourself at a point you can’t be bothered to care at all.

This is when professionals step away from hobbyists: they remain focused, trim off the frayed edges and keep going. And if they do quit, they do it in a way that’s strategic and thoughtful. Champions devote themselves to causes that matter and subscribe to the notion that the bigger the challenge, the bigger the reward.

According to Angela Lee Duckworth, the ability to tough it out and stay put is the closest indicator we have of success. The names we don’t hear about, the people who fail to make an impact, quit too early. They never made it to the intersection of do-or-don’t, or they never found the right problems to solve to begin with.

So, if you’re in a rut and feel like quitting, here are four points to consider before you make any decisions:

Remember when you started.
As a founder, there’s always something to be done. I don’t think I’ve had an empty “to-do list” in over three years. That’s why when I want to hop in a plane back to America, I take a second to recognize how far we’ve come. There was a point I was scrubbing floors and felt a constant film of construction dust on my teeth. Now, our little Learning House is a lively center with classes and students and seminars.

Think about the challenges you’ve overcome to get where you are today and be proud.

Why are you doing this?
We’re all human. God knows I’ve had moments I’ve had to talk myself out of bed and out the door. I’ve gone through weeks of daily internal debates: Am I effective? Should I keep going?

Sometimes, our original goal becomes a blurry dot on the horizon. For whatever reason — projects, donors, grants, social responsibilities — we’ve moved away from that original purpose that gave us meaning, the work that first brought us joy.

Can you remember your original spark? That first flash of inspiration, the smile of someone’s life changed? Ask yourself: the mission you’ve devoted yourself to, is it worth it? If the scale tips in favor, keep going.

Know it won’t always be easy.
When you can accept that grey days are part of the color spectrum, you can relax into rutty moments.
About one year ago, a South Bronx school principal found herself in the Oval office with President Obama. She asked, “When is the time you felt most broken?”

He described his 1999 Congress run. He lost. Bad. He felt old, ineffective, and his relationship with his wife was on the rocks.

“The thing that got me through that moment, and any other time that I’ve felt stuck, is to remind myself that it’s about the work. Because if you’re worrying about yourself — if you’re thinking: ‘Am I succeeding? Am I in the right position? Am I being appreciated?’ then you’re going to end up feeling frustrated and stuck.”
Focus on your work and what needs to be done.

Take a break.
We’re people, not machines. Create space to renew and energize, step away from obligations and responsibilities. Even though you’re a leader doesn’t mean you’re always strong! Watch a movie, go for a long walk, call a friend.
Social work can take an impact on your mental and emotional health. It can be helpful to connect with someone who can empathize with your struggles and keep you on track.

Then, chin up, shoulders back, stand tall. Keep going. The world needs you. We need you.

Get lost for awhile

Leave your phone at home. Lose track of time. Forget your schedule.
Close your internet browser. Call a friend.
Find a new restaurant. Drive out of the city.
Or ride your bike to the nearest town.
Play something new on the radio.
Hold her hand.
Draw, color, paint, read, build, bake.
Climb to the tallest building/hill/rock/mountain you can see.
Kiss his skin.
Cry until you laugh.
Laugh until you cry.
Walk. Skip. Dance.
Savor each bite.
Stop questioning.
Be grateful.