bloglovinBloglovin iconCombined ShapeCreated with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. rssRSS iconsoundcloudSoundCloud iconFill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch. Fill 1Created with Sketch.

Tag: perception

Get what you want by working backwards

Big Goals — the ones worth mentioning — typically fall into one of two categories:

1. You really, really want something.

Big Goal: I want to … travel around the world, be the company’s top earner, find a fulfilling relationship, double my savings account, change careers.

2. You want to change your behavior.

Big Goal: I am going to … lose weight, eat mindfully, stop smoking, be independent, make confident decisions, become more organized.

Big Goals sound daunting because they’re not easy (if it sounds easy, it probably isn’t a Big Goal). These kinds of goals often entail major life changes — career, relationship, health — and require concentrated focus and energy.

Lately, many of my meetings have involved some sort of goal setting tirade: how to set goals, frustration with achieving them, fear of failing, uncertainty. Since my days working as a probation officer, I’ve encouraged people to set Big Goals, ones that are both lofty and achievable. The trick to success?

Work backwards.

This may sound counterintuitive, but it works.
After you’ve identified and set your Big Goal(s), you must plan smaller, manageable subgoals that point you in the direction of your identified finish line.

Big Goal: I am going to get fit.

subgoal: I am going to start a food diary.

subgoal: I will pack lunch twice this week.

subgoal: I am going to explore different forms of exercise and find what I enjoy.

subgoal: I am going to schedule workouts into my calendar.

etc.

It’s not enough to write your dream on a board and walk away. Your chances of accomplishing Big Goals proportionally increase with the planning and thought you put into your game plan. Subgoals are essential if you’re looking to knock it out of the park.
Set periodic check-in reminders to help you assess whether you are on track. Think of it as a training plan: no marathoner wills himself past the finish line. Successful race days are the result of many mini-runs, planned efforts set with an end result in mind. There’s a reason step-by-step guides work. They take complex processes and break them down into approachable actions.

Big Goal: I am going to get fit. 

today: I am going to start a food diary.

this week: I will pack a lunch twice this week.

by next week: I am going to explore different forms of exercise and find one that I enjoy.

this month: I am going to schedule workouts.

etc.

Set Big Goals. Don’t cut yourself slack.
Just increase your betting odds by making a plan to get there.
 

36 lessons from NYC

In no particular order:

  1. You can walk as fast as you want, but you won’t get anywhere without considering those around you.
  2. On your worst days, something (or someone) will surprise you and show you kindness in ways you’d never expect.
  3. On your best days, something (or someone) will knock you down, humble you, and disappoint you in ways you’d never expect.
  4. There’s always someone better than you.
  5. There’s always someone with less than you.
  6. Find something to be grateful for every day.
  7. A smile can disarm anyone.
  8. You’ll only be happy if you’re true to yourself.
  9. You are defined by the company you keep.
  10. You have the ability to reinvent yourself. Every day.
  11. Most of the limits you see are created in your own mind. Sprint past them when possible and refuse to get in your own way.
  12. Relationships take work.
  13. There is someone for everyone.
  14. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Look for this beauty in everyone you meet.
  15. Set aside time to nurture those who are important to you.
  16. Communities are essential. No matter your interests, there is one for you.
  17. Learn how to set boundaries and take care of yourself.
  18. Prioritize.
  19. You can view each day as a battlefield or a marvelous adventure. Your choice.
  20. There is always more money to be earned. Learn to be content with what you have.
  21. You probably have more than you need.
  22. You will be tested. Eventually, you will realize you are capable of much more than you think.
  23. Grocery stores don’t need to accommodate small cars. People get along just fine with handbaskets.
  24. It doesn’t matter what it looks like or how many square feet, home is where the heart is.
  25. Movie stars are people, too.
  26. You can put your body through some really grueling activities. It’s capable of amazing things. Be kind to it. You only get one.
  27. Get a bike. And get a damn good lock. If you don’t have a good lock, carry your front tire with you.
  28. It doesn’t matter how cute your shoes are, they better be comfortable and durable.
  29. The outdoors are closer than you think. Don’t neglect blue skies and trees.
  30. There is no reason to eat shitty food.
  31. Challenge yourself to find something new and try something new regularly.
  32. Refuse to settle.
  33. There are plenty of jobs. If you don’t like the one you have, life is too short to waste another day.
  34. Be open — to possibilities, different opinions, new ideas, different beliefs, new opportunities. If you are willing, your world will explode with options. Your choice.
  35. Everyone is creative. Express it in your own way.
  36. You really can create the life you want.

Excitement vs fear

Racing heart, quickened pulse, shallow breathing, heightened awareness, tingling extremities.

What does that sound like to you?
It’s easy to group anxiety, fear, nervousness, and excitement together because we physically experience them in similar ways.  What distinguishes these sensations from each other is the lens through which we perceive them.
Fear often stops us in our tracks, preventing us from progression and development. It’s the tree falling directly onto our chosen path, leaving us questioning whether we’re heading down the right road. It’s a powerful paralysis.
Excitement is that green light encouraging us to move forward and do. It provides the permission, space, and courage to dream and make big things happen. A close relative of passion and creativity, excitement feeds and propels one towards action.

Our opportunity is the moment in which we step back and observe our fears, quietly noticing what excites us.

How do you interpret your tightening muscles and thumping heart?
Can you slow your breathing just enough to focus on the present moment?
Would the situation change if you rephrased fear as excitement?
Are you stunting your ideas, growth, curiosity, and ability to create?
What it would be like to run towards the situation, instead of away?

Common situations that feel scary:

  • just before a big presentation
  • entering a new environment
  • unexpected scenarios
  • meeting a senior partner
  • visiting a new place
  • job interviews
  • cold-calling new sales leads
  • proposing your idea to the team
  • quitting your job
  • transitions
  • large events (weddings, family reunions, corporate gatherings)
  • conflicts
  • first dates
  • public speaking

Recognize how you assimilate these kinds of experiences. Be the armchair anthropologist of your own life and simply observe. Then, challenge yourself to turn fear into excitement. Practice patience with your fear (and yourself), and use physical sensations as an internal compass. See if you can push past what you’re afraid of and bring excitement to the table.
I’ve found the things that excite and scare me often deliver the greatest rewards.

Empathy 101

Create one mandated course for high school students nationwide. What does it include?

At a recent dinner, this was one of the prompts for group discussion. Without hesitation, my mind sounded one clear word.

Empathy.

  • The ability to reference another’s perspective, considering their experiences and worldview, in order to better understand behavior and intention.
  • “Putting yourself in their shoes.”
  • The capacity to recognize another’s emotions and experiences, closing the gap between self and other.
  • Identifying a [valuable] perspective different than your own
  • Requires: self awareness, confidence, openness (personal traits)
  • Requires: listening, open communication, careful observation (communication skills)
  • NOT sympathy
  • NOT pity
  • Often a precursor to compassion
  • Integral for collaborations, understanding, effective and worthwhile discussions, conflict resolution

Ask me to summarize my clinical training into one concept and this would be it.

Harry Prosen defines empathy as “an emotional understanding which allows one as a therapist to resonate with one’s patients in depth emotionally, so that it influences the therapeutic approach and alliance with the patient.”

Yet empathy belongs in more places than clinical environments. We need it in our schools, our personal lives, our government, our businesses. We need to practice it on a daily basis and teach our children to do the same. We must find ways to listen, to converse, and to respond in ways that are considerate and cognizant of the person sitting across the table.

We get into trouble when we are unable to see us in them. This is when valuable information is lost and we lose the opportunity to connect in a new way. Empathy reminds us of our collective humanity.

If you’ve noticed, the best businesses are conducted in an empathic way. The best connections are formed when two parties consider the other’s frame of reference. When empathy is involved, relationships flourish, conversations become meaningful, and solutions address the heart of the real problem.

It’s never too late to learn, and you don’t need a special appointment or degree to practice awareness. Can you bring empathy into your interactions today?

“Empathic connection is an understanding of the heart in which we see the beauty in the other person, the divine energy in the other person, the life that’s alive in them.” —Marshall Rosenberg

 

Gratitude

Very few people are exactly where they want to be. Everyone’s searching, striving for something.

More money, a better job, important responsibilities, a patient spouse, a new car, meaning, freedom, flexibility. Reasons differ, but the drive is the same. The quest for movement, for change, for different.

Knowing this, allow yourself one day to be grateful for exactly where you are. In this very moment, you are right where you need to be. You have everything you need. Delight in that. Recognize where you’ve come from and send gratitude to those who have helped get you there.

Tomorrow’s another day.

It doesn’t have to be pretty

Too often, we get caught up in the finished product before we even begin. We think about what it is going to look like, how it will be received, what people will say. We create an idea of “perfect” and scare ourselves away from starting.

Along the way, we were taught to color inside of the lines and cut straight across the dotted pattern. Imperfections and mistakes don’t add value. Uniqueness is risky, and we want to make sure our efforts are worth our time.

It doesn’t matter what it looks like when you start. In fact, intentionally screw something up. Start with the crudest iteration you can think of.

Something is better than nothing, especially when you’ve gotten in your own way.