Creating with intention
Stop thinking about what you want. Think about how you want to feel.
Instead of looking for what will make you happy, focus on what you’re good at.
Rather than planning to get ahead, find a way to help others.
You may think you’re not, but you are. We’re all members of tribes, we join groups we’re interested in, we gravitate towards people who are familiar. We’re social creatures.
Just because “Connector” isn’t listed on your resume doesn’t mean you’re lacking these skills. I see connectors in teachers, school counselors, grocery store clerks, fitness leaders, sales executives, jewelry designers, nurses, customer service representatives. Pause for a moment to think of the individuals you connect and have connected in your world. Probably more than you realize.
That’s not to say it’s always easy. Speaking with other connectors, folks whose livelihoods depend on introductions and relationships, I’ve identified struggles most every connector has experienced (myself included).
Whether you identify as a connector, hope to become more of one, or are just looking to get out of your shell, I hope these cures help you become more effective within your social circles.
I’ve heard many different views on this. Two extremes: transparent authenticity (revealing everything to everyone with little-to-no filter) and establishing a crisp line between business and personal matters (removing all personal details from professional transactions).
With my own clinical training, I come from a background separating personal details from professional work. I’ve had to recalibrate in order to feel more comfortable sharing personal details in professional settings; however, I do think it is important to establish a difference between “private” and “personal,” and I have seen the value of honest professionalism. Finding the line that works for you makes your style your art.
Concentrate on thoughtfulness over quantity. It is impossible to be everything to everybody. Simply trying will frustrate and hinder your relationships with others. Instead, focus on what you can do and identify the boundaries that feel empowering to you.
Clearly explain what you are capable of providing and commit to giving that your all. By setting expectations with those in your networks, you’ll minimize potential for disappointment and confusion. You want mutual understanding and respect to provide the foundation for your relationships, not mixed signals.
It’s OK. I’m a big fan of showing up and expressing your humanity. Your “realness” is what makes you you.
Those moments of weakness and vulnerability open doors to connect with others on a deeper level. Yes, there’s a balance between over-sharing and approachability, and it’s different for everyone (see Cure #1). Again, draw your line and confidently own it.
You must, must create time to feed your soul. You cannot be effective if you are tired and rundown. Schedule hours on your calendar to be alone. Literally. Block hours throughout your week and invite yourself to time away from emails, gadgets, devices, and obligations. Do things that refuel and energize you: go to yoga, walk outside, write with no specific goal. I like to think you are able to best give to others when your own glass is full.
This is a biggie and one I struggle with. I’m a visual learner who retains information by doing, so hearing a name once does nothing for me. I’ve found the following to be helpful:
People mean well. When you’re seen as someone who connects others, you’re going to receive many, many, many introductions. Sometimes they don’t always make sense — especially in moments of high work volume and pressing deadlines. Graciously thank the person for the introduction and kindly ask them to check in with you before making future recommendations. It’s helpful to have a specific need to relay so the right person can be connected to you. Explicit details are much easier to recall than generic requests (See Cure #5).
Some of the most well-connected people are also the most lonely. Having a thick Rolodex means less time with specific individuals, so it’s up to you to parcel your energy with concentrated effort.
Prioritize your personal relationships, show appreciation for your loved ones, and cherish childhood friendships. When you’re with someone, be with them. Turn off the phone and bask in those moments in which your full attention is directed to the conversation at hand. Be willing to expose yourself through open communication, honesty, and fears and faults. You’ll feel closer, more connected, and more giving to those in your communities.
Improving the lives of others often means connecting one resource to another. It might be introducing your neighbor to your plumber, connecting a client needing financial advise, passing along a job listing, exchanging numbers for friends falling in love. We’re filling an ask or searching for the right person to provide the best answer. Our worlds become that much more rich when we add value, and connecting two individuals is an easy way to do that.
For additional discussion on this topic, check out:
Lane’s post on The Curse of the Connector. Sherry’s TED talk “Connected, but alone?” and her NY Times Op-Ed The Flight from Conversation. Robert Kaplan on building strong relationships with principles from his book What You’re Really Meant To Do. Send me a tweet or write me a note with your thoughts.
There are times you’ll feel like giving up.
Something else will come along, tempt you, appeal to your vulnerability, try to lure you back to the world you wanted to leave in the first place.
And then…
What is louder: momentary discomfort or the dreams you have for yourself?
You’ll hear lots of voices — of fear, of doubters, of jealous naysayers…
Of the true calling of your heart.
Listen wisely.
Some of the best connections happen when you least expect it. Call it luck, fate or serendipity, there’s something magical about meeting the right person at the right time. The secret lies in getting out of your comfort zone and letting serendipity lead the way. 3 tips to get you started:
The moments you don’t feel like meeting new people… I swear, if you can get yourself out of the house, you’re going to have the time of your life. Chances are you will meet someone who will blow your mind. Think of it as Murphy’s Law for connection.
Place yourself in new environments and step outside of your typical routine. Go to a different coffee shop. Skip the gym and exercise in the park. STOP DOING THE SAME THINGS.
Say yes. More often. Accept party invites. Accept any invite. Go to coffee dates, lunch meetings, conferences — just go. If you’re on the fence, say yes. Let go of your schedule and intentionally disrupt your routine. You will be rewarded.
Talk serendipity and more during today’s #cxchat (2pm EST) and read summaries from past chat events here.
The first [move, action, event, product, decision] is always the scariest, most anxiety provoking, most intimidating. Getting beyond that initial hump becomes a matter of mettle and courage as you muster the courage you need to leap over fear.
Can you build a framework that sets you up so that if you don’t do x-y-z, you can recognize that fear has won? Fix your gaze, define your goal, and work backwards to develop concrete steps that corner you into action. Make it impossible to do nothing.
Once you have a plan in place and you’ve deliberately chosen to ignore it (develop excuses or suddenly become “too busy”), your work is then to name your fear and dive headfirst into your beliefs about yourself and the world.
Get out of your own way. You can always choose to do nothing, but I dare you to tip the scale. Let me know what steps you’re taking to move the needle.
Several years ago, I made the transition from social worker to social curator. My time spent working in courtrooms and jail cells paved the way for boardroom negotiations and architecting group dynamics. When I tell people my story, questions ultimately focus on how I made this transition. Part curiosity, part plea for guidance, people want to know how it’s done, the best way to make the change, and why one might forfeit investment and status in an preexisting career.
The fact is most of us have found ourselves in positions we don’t care for — stifling work environments, tedious responsibilities, redundant tasks, meaningless contributions. Baby Boomers reportedly hop from as many as fifteen (or more!) jobs during their working prime, and over half of college graduates are unable to land opportunities in their preferred fields.
After spending years and precious dollars on education and training, the time and commitment you dump into your career is sacred. Changing industries seems daunting. It’s tempting to stay in a position because you’ve invested so much of yourself to get there.
A career change may not only benefit your wellbeing but also jump start your professional trajectory. The skills you’ve acquired in your current role may provide that extra edge you need to supercharge and lead a new team. Your unique perspective and approach could be a perfect addition to the innovative company looking for a competitive edge.
I won’t lie. The process of positioning yourself to land this new gig might be slow, gradual, even painful. You’ll have to plot deliberate steps until you’re able to carve a niche in a new industry.
I’ve found the risk and the work to be absolutely worth it, so I’ve pinpointed concrete steps to help others looking to make a change:
1. Meaningful conversations lead to meaningful relationships.
2. Get strategic.
3. Actively seek opportunities.
4. Just do it.
5. Savor Beginner’s Mind.
Have you you’ve ended up in an unexpected professional role? Did your education prepare you for the role you’re presently in? What skills have accompanied you along your career journey? I want to hear about your career change. Send me a note.