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Tag: challenge

Autonomy (I will teach you to be rich and have a perfect body and find the love of your life)

There is one faucet wheel left in the kitchen. When you turn the water on or off, it drops with a loud CLANG into the tin sink. I’ve offered to have it fixed. “It’s not our house,” they say. I’ve been living here for just over one year; they’ve been here for seven.

I live among the people I work for (and with). Not only have I grown to love them like my own family, I’ve been offered a window into their lives, the trials they must suffer and how they see the world. One of the best gifts in life is a new perspective, and I’ve been lucky to be invited to share theirs.

I’ve compared the psyche of probationers and CMOs, entrepreneurs and monks, diamond sellers and social workers. There’s one significant difference.

It’s what marketing schemes and addiction recovery theories capitalize on. It’s what books promise when they tell you “I will show you how to get rich” and fitness models tempt with chiseled abs and downloadable workout videos. It’s how self help “gurus” sell monthly packages and some people start businesses while others stay at jobs they hate for years on end.

Autonomy.

Autonomy is the belief that you can do, and that you’re capable of doing. People who are depressed lose this. This is the tragedy when you see animals, even people, trapped, locked up, stuck. They’ve lost the belief that their actions have an effect, so they give up. This is the worst thing.

The belief in yourself comes BEFORE any plan or action. It requires confidence and courage. It is the seed from which work and ideas blossom. Where creativity takes flight.

It doesn’t have to be big. One thought, “I can do,” followed by “I am doing,” and finally, “I did it!” tends to ripple. A little thing becomes the next, slightly bigger thing. And before you know it, you’re making dreams come to life.

Start with the kitchen sink.

7 steps to finding happiness

1. Put yourself in the position of opportunity. Go where there is more.

2. Do what you’re good at.

3. Big goals are great but don’t become so focused on them you can’t reroute if necessary.

4. Focus on the now: does your heart sink or flutter? Is there a rock in your stomach when you head to work?

5. What is taking you away from your present experience? How can you limit these distractions and refocus your attention?

6. Find people you can “do your thing with.” People who accept you for being 110% you. People who sit with you when you’re feeling less than your best, who can pick up the phone and give you two minutes of their time when you really need it.

7. Stop trying.

I’ll repeat that last one: stop trying to be happy. It’s temporal, elusive, impermanent. Those low points — depression, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, dejection? They serve as a barometer, an unexpected gift to let you know whether you’re on (or off) track.

Make today uncomfortable

The most memorable moments involve some sort of discomfort; the greatest achievements celebrated because they’re a result of sacrifice and trial. Think: marathons, diplomas, childbirth. Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay’s Everest ascent. Malala Yousafzai. Countless others.

“Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness.” – Napoleon Hill

Don’t shy away from the difficult. When you find yourself struggling, uncomfortable, even angry, run into it.

Hard times are gifts.

There are moments you’re sick or tired or bored.

You’re not sure whether to stick or quit. It’s unclear whether progress is being made. Patterns seem hardwired, destined to repeat. Nothing makes sense, and the future is uncertain.

You’re questioning your work, your decisions, the motives of people around you. You’re questioning yourself.

These are the defining moments. This is when you find your passion and what really matters.

The rebellion of questions

As a school girl, I found myself in detention for asking questions. I was threatened to be kicked out of academic programs for challenging authority. You were permitted one question after your name was called, and superiors always had the last word. Too many questions meant insolence, disrespect and delinquency.

The problem is the greatest inventions arise from asking questions. When we dare to ask why, archaic systems can improve and new ways of doing things emerge.

Questions can take courage, and perseverance is sometimes needed to find the right answers. Honest leadership will welcome such speculation and discussion.

Unlearning problematic beliefs

Certain beliefs have been hardwired into our minds. From a very early age, our behavior has been molded by rewards and experiences. Thought patterns have formed impressive grooves onto our brains, so much in fact, that twenty, thirty, even forty years later, these patterns persist — some without us knowing, some incredibly damaging to our progress as human beings.

A few of mine, for example:

As fast as possible is always best (efficiency!).

“Doing nothing” is bad.

Self-sacrifice is noble.

Money means struggle.

I’m not sure what they are for you. They’re not always easy to uncover. Typically the worst ones manifest in subtle ways until slowly, overtime, their cumulative effects create disturbance. This is why thousands of Americans flock to doctors: there’s an issue to fix (depression, anxiety, disinterest, fatigue, high blood pressure, panic). These symptoms can result in lost jobs, broken relationships, low self-esteem, hopelessness or worse.

One of the best gifts you can give yourself is the space and time to look at possible causes of such symptoms. What is the root of the hardships you’re enduring? When you think you’ve identified the issue, push yourself to go even deeper. But please, don’t be afraid to consult a qualified therapist to walk you gently through this potentially dark and lonely forest. The right person can be a light as you find your way home.

It can take months, years to unlearn damaging beliefs. Be patient with yourself and stay focused on what you really want your life to look like. You’re worth it.